As I write this, I am changing. Some changes have happened quickly; others will take time. A storm has raged inside of me for years. I've picked up the scattered debris time after time and put it away, out of sight, hoping it would disappear. Decay. But it never did. I can no longer ignore it. I must now figure out what to do with this debris, the tattered pieces of my life. I hear my life calling me. I feel new breath in my soul. I see the storm starting to pass. But, then it begins to rage again. I keep trying to push the clouds away, to find the light again. It is a constant struggle within me. But I will not cease to reach for that which is mine. I will find a toehold and continue to climb toward the light. To fight through the storm. I will perservere. I now know what I want. I will succeed. I will find happiness. I will achieve my dreams. I am learning to love myself...
But, my choices affect not only me. The one whose heart I have inhabited for so many years cannot understand. He has not felt these yearnings, this need. He is in mourning for the life he felt he had. For his future. His life is ending, while mine is just beginning. I cannot repair this for him. I can only show him compassion and kindness. Try to help him find his way, as I find mine on a new course that is to carry me away from him. Oh, to take his pain away. I would gladly carry it alongside my own if I could spare him this suffering.
“It is lack of love for ourselves that inhibits our compassion toward others. If we make friends with ourselves, then there is no obstacle to opening our hearts and minds to others.”
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